Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
