she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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