So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
