His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
