JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
