So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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