so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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