my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I need a beard to bite.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
