Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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