he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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