I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
