I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
