you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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