Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
