Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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