She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
