You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
