you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
