I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
