Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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