Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
