She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Enjoy the penises
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
