i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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