i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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