Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's shark week go big or go home
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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