New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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