Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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