So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
