those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
