My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
