No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
