I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
