remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
