If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
