Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
