apparently the secret to your success is patron
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
