Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
