Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
