I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
