i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
