I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
