listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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