The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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