Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
