don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
