I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
