I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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