she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
