Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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