Where is the hickey?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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