sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
True strength comes from lack of pants
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
